Journal Prompt: Unconditional Positive Regard

As a Counselor, I am mainly trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is not a rarity in the mental health world.  I did my training many moons ago and since then have added some additional facets to the work that I do.  If you have had any type of conversation with me about this, you’ve probably heard me talk about Unconditional Positive Regard.  Which sounds lovely, but what exactly is it?  Unconditional Positive Regard is a cornerstone of the work done by Carl Rogers and is part of Rogerian Therapy, also called Person Centered or Client Centered Therapy.  It does not mean that I like everything about everyone and think every choice humans make is wonderful.  Even I’m not quite that forgiving.  What it means is that regardless of the actions and behaviors people choose, I will regard them and their humanity unconditionally as  inherently worthy of love and acceptance.  It goes beyond seeing people as good or bad or somewhere in between those ideas, and to a place where people I work with (hopefully) know that they are accepted and supported by me no matter what.  

Other than spoiling people rotten and telling them how wonderful they are, what is the point of this concept?  The idea is that if I create an environment where you always feel accepted and supported for who you are, flaws and all, you will feel that the therapeutic relationship is one that is positive and can be trusted.  And if the relationship and the experience feels positive and trustworthy, odds are you will start to come to terms with and start to face down some of the things you are feeling not-so-great about because you know you will not be judged.  And then in turn, since I have now modeled for you how to accept and support your pain/shame/whatever, the hope is that you will also be able to mimic that and treat yourself with unconditional positive regard moving forward.

Make sense?  

Thinking back to an experience or a feeling you don’t feel great about, is there a way that you can use the concept of unconditional positive regard to support and accept yourself?  Is it hard for you to do this and if so why do you think that is?  Have you already caught yourself mimicking me and reframing your thoughts to be kinder to yourself? If so, in what areas of your process have you noticed that?

Journal Prompt: Exploring Growth vs Fixed Mindsets

One thing we talk about quite a bit as therapists is the idea of a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset. What are those? I can pretty quickly explain.  A fixed mindset is the concept or belief that something is the way it is.  People who speak or think in fixed mindsets use words such as always and never, the use phrases such as “this is just the way it is in my family”, and they act in resistant ways when approached about a new subject.  A growth mindset is basically the opposite of that.  It’s when someone is open to new ideas and new concepts and can be open to them even when they don’t feel comfortable or familiar.  Think about food and little kids.  If you put a piece of broccoli (my personal favorite food) in front of many kids, you will see them make the yuck face and push the plate away.  That’s the fixed mindset, without even trying it, the kids think it’s gross.  But some kids are a little more adventurous with food and may sniff at it or take a little bite and then decide if it is something they like.  Whether it becomes part of their food repertoire  or not, they were open to the idea of it, which is similar to the concept of growth mindset.  

People who have a growth mindset:

-Know progress takes time

-Keep trying until the feel they have succeeded

-Love learning

-Ask for help

-Learn from feedback

-Feel and notice inspiration

-Are not afraid to fail a bit

-Work very hard at things

-Love a challenge

-View things from an opportunity lens rather than a risk or obligation lens

Sounds good right?  This list sounds like the kind of person we all like spending time with because they’re full of interesting stories and experiences.  But you don't have to quit your job and become a professional skydiver (unless you want to of course) in order to develop a growth mindset.  The easiest way to start thinking in that direction is to take notice of how many never/always statements run through your head any given day.  How many times do you find yourself thinking “absolutely not” or “no way”.  Sometimes those are warranted, I will admit I get quite a few requests from my kids on a day to day basis that leave me in the “that will absolutely never happen” mindset, kids are good at bringing that out in their parents sometimes.  

But in terms of day to day experiences, whether that is at work or with friends or maybe around a project you’ve wanted to tackle, look at how you think about it.  If you’ve decided you want to clean out your closet but keep thinking “it’s such a huge task, it’ll take forever” you are using a fixed mindset.  What about if you thought of it in a way such as “It’s a big task, but I bet I’ll find some things I forgot I had, and I may even be able to get rid of enough stuff that my closet will be easier to keep tidy”.  That’s a growth mindset around the same issue.  After you’ve had a bit of time to identify some fixed mindset patterns that you have, take a moment to rework them into what they’d look like if you utilized a growth mindset and see what feelings that brings up in you.  Have fun with it, even if you “never enjoy journaling”. 

Journal Prompt: Using Your Imagination to Process Feelings

Personification is a word that means to give human traits, such as feelings, thoughts and behaviors, to a non-human thing.  Oftentimes we do this when we see objects that we can identify as possibly having feelings or as resembling humans, such as stuffed animals or dolls, and to a degree we do this with animals and pets, where we give them human traits.  For example, if you get into your car on a cold day and it won’t start you may begin to talk to your car as if it will react to you things like “Come on, you can do it, just start and we’ll be on our way.”  

Look at an emotion that you struggle with, such as anxiety, depression , self doubt, overwhelm, or any other.  Give your emotion a name and a personality, beyond that of which it is, and create a story around your emotion.  Maybe a day in the life of Joe, aka My Anxiety.  Talk about how Joe goes through his day and the types of things Joe does or thinks about and how his behavior effects you, his host.  The good, the bad, and the ugly, tell a good tale about your version of Joe and what types of shenanigans he creates.

Next, take Joe and talk about putting Joe out of commission for a bit.  I want you to stand up to Joe and tell him what you really think about him.  Talk about the direct impact Joe has on your life and all the things you’ve had to navigate as a direct result of nasty old Joe.  Tell Joe that despite the fact that sometimes he may have a place in your life, you will be working hard to create a boundary for Joe so that his place is not front and center.  Put Joe in the naughty corner, banish him outright, or maybe just agree to disagree with him as long as he isn’t the main focus of your experience this upcoming year.  However you want to stand up to Joe, I want to hear all about it. We can’t always control our emotions and we don’t always have a say in the things we struggle with, but we can create an intentional view towards some of them to help us stay present when those feelings creep in and try to ruin our day.  

After you try this, write a bit about the process and how you approached it.  Were you able to see the silly side of this or were you able to focus and be very serious about it?