Did you ever feel like you agreed to something and immediately regretted your decision? And you feel that sense of dread that seeps into your stomach even as the words “Sure, no problem” come out of your mouth? Occasionally agreeing to do something you don’t really want to do is something we can all relate to, but when it becomes a regular part of our interactions it can create mental health stress at very high levels. This is another example of bending our boundaries and often comes from some level of anxiety or perfectionist thinking that we have been carrying around for quite a while. Doing things because we feel that others expect us to do them, regardless of the toll it takes on us or whether we want to do them, is sometimes a noble thing to do. It is nice to say yes when a relative asks for help with a task or when a neighbor stops by and asks for a quick favor. It is also taxing when you end up saying yes over and over despite really wanting to say no.

What happens in our brains when people ask us to do something we’d like to say no to. Often we go through a little cycle of thoughts so fast we don’t even realize it happens and it might sound a little bit like “I wish I could say no, but….”

I don’t want them to get mad at me.
I don’t want people to think I’m not kind/helpful/generous.
What will they think of me if I say no?
I technically can do this, so I shouldn’t say no.
I don’t want to seem unlikable.
I don’t want to risk our friendship.
I enjoy helping people so I might as well say yes.
I want them to like me.

All of these are valid thoughts and make perfect sense to think about. But all of them can become that overwhelming people pleasing tendency if we ignore them for too long. So how can we find that balance between helping people and running ourselves ragged? The first step is to take a moment before you answer and notice what the request really feels like in your brain. Before you respond to that text with a “Sure no problem”, take a moment to really go through some self reflection about how it feels to say yes to this.

Recognize that it is going to work out if you say no. If you put up a small boundary and say “I wish I could help, but I’m sorry to say that this time I’m not available” it might be met with some resistance or disappointment. That is ok! You are allowed to say no to people, and people are allowed to feel disappointed. But just as many feelings are, the feeling of disappointment is fleeting and will pass quickly. Saying no one time will not ruin a healthy relationship.