Do you know how overwhelm feels for you? It sounds like a simple question, but it feels differently to different people. Some people get weepy, some want to hide and shut down a bit, and others get a little bit more angry and have a shorter fuse when they feel overwhelmed. What does overwhelm feel like to you and can you recognize when you’re getting to that level?
What do you need? This can be two directional, both what do you need help with that you could outsource and also what do you need in this moment in order to say yes if someone asks for help. Maybe you can say yes, but that means you are ordering pizza for the 3rd night this week and right now you’re feeling like you need more than pizza for dinner. So you might want to honor that feeling and say no so that you can have a meal that actually nourishes you rather than a quick grab and go dinner. Or maybe you can say yes, but that means you need someone else to pick up your kids from school. In that case, maybe you can make a trade, I’ll drive your kid to sports if you pick them up afterwards. Recognize your own needs in the scenario before committing.
Feeling guilty? Why? Are you having a hard time with one of the statements above and feeling like people may be disappointed in you? In that case, where is that coming from? Why is the responsibility on you to handle everything that is asked of you? Sometimes we have to feel that discomfort and the tension of saying “no” and accept it for what it is. It’s uncomfortable, there’s a friction there in our feelings, and we don’t like it. But if you keep saying yes just to avoid that feeling, you will keep wearing yourself down. Learn to sit in that tension in small ways so that you can build up your tolerance and maintain your boundaries.
Be honest about your feelings, at least to yourself. You certainly don’t need to tell someone who asks something of you “No, I’m not going to help you because I don’t care about you” but you might think to yourself “I’d rather not help this person right now because I’ve got my own busy schedule and their needs are not my priority”. It’s ok to be honest with yourself around your own feelings.
Practice. Practice. And more practice. Start small, say no to your kid when they ask for candy after they’ve already had a treat. You know they’re going to ask 10 more times and you also know you don’t want them to have more candy so it’s a little easier to sit in the tension of “no” in order to maintain the personal boundary. And then gradually move up to saying no to staying late again at work, or taking on a project you don’t have time for, or even rescheduling your own day off around someone else. Baby steps will help you build up tolerance to the guilt and anxiety that creates the tension and friction when you say no.
Are there spaces in your life where you can recognize that you are bending your boundaries to please others, and you know it is at the expense of your own emotional health? Regardless of whether you have an interest in making adjustments in these areas, can you spend some time identifying them and making a mental note of them.
I have a graphic for this journal prompt on my blog if you want to check it out here.