Permission to Put Yourself First

You wake up Monday morning and look around at your house and realize that practically everyhign in your life is in need of your attention. The house is a mess after a busy weekend, the kids have a long week of activities ahead of you, the pantry is bare, and the pets look like they haven’t been groomed in a year. Whew, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed in this moment and allow that anxiety thought cycle to kick into gear.

I know this is challenging, but right in that moment I’d like for you to think a little bit about embracing the idea of putting yourself first, embracing self-care, and creating an actual list of your own personal priorities in order to maintain your mental health. In a world that constantly demands our time and attention, it's easy to lose sight of our own needs and desires. We often find ourselves juggling multiple responsibilities and obligations, neglecting the most crucial aspect of our well-being: ourselves. However, giving yourself permission to choose yourself first is not selfish; it's an act of self-care and empowerment. By prioritizing your own needs, you are better equipped to serve others and lead a more fulfilling life.

Choosing yourself first means setting healthy boundaries and learning to say "no" when necessary. I feel like a broken record some days, but boundaries boundaries boundaries.  It's about recognizing your limits and not overextending yourself to please others at the expense of your own mental and emotional well-being. It's about acknowledging that self-care is not a luxury but a necessity. Taking time to recharge, engage in activities you love, and invest in your personal growth is essential for maintaining balance and finding joy in your daily life.

When you give yourself permission to choose yourself first, you send a powerful message to yourself and those around you. You communicate that your needs and aspirations matter, and that you value your own happiness and fulfillment. By taking care of yourself, you become a role model for others, encouraging them to prioritize their own well-being too. Remember, self-care is not selfish; it's a transformative practice that allows you to show up as your best self in all aspects of your life.

So basically, giving yourself permission to choose yourself first is an act of self-love and empowerment. By prioritizing your own needs and desires, setting boundaries, and practicing self-care, you can lead a more balanced, joyful, and fulfilling life. Remember, you are deserving of the love and attention you give to others. Embrace the power of choosing yourself first, and watch as your life transforms for the better.

Reflect on a time when you prioritized someone else's needs over your own. How did it make you feel? Did you notice any negative impacts on your well-being? How could you have approached the situation differently to prioritize yourself without feeling guilty?

List three activities or practices that bring you joy and make you feel rejuvenated. How often do you engage in these activities? If you find yourself neglecting them, what barriers or beliefs are holding you back? How can you overcome those obstacles and make space for these joyful moments in your life?

Explore any fears or concerns you have about choosing yourself first. What are the underlying beliefs or societal expectations that contribute to these fears? How can you challenge those beliefs and reframe your perspective to embrace self-care as a necessary and beneficial practice?

Remember, journaling is a personal and introspective process. Take the time to reflect on these questions honestly and without judgment. Use this opportunity to gain insights about yourself and develop a lose plan to prioritize your own well-being and happiness.

Six Steps To Stop People Pleasing

Did you ever feel like you agreed to something and immediately regretted your decision? And you feel that sense of dread that seeps into your stomach even as the words “Sure, no problem” come out of your mouth?  Occasionally agreeing to do something you don’t really want to do is something we can all relate to, but when it becomes a regular part of our interactions in can create mental health stress at very high levels. This is another example of bending our boundaries and often comes from some level of anxiety or perfectionist thinking that we have been carrying around for quite a while. Doing things because we feel that others expect us to do them, regardless of the toll it takes on us or whether we want to do them, is sometimes a noble thing to do. It is nice to say yes when a relative asks to for help with a task or when a neighbor stops by and asks for a quick favor. It is also taxing when you end up saying yes over and over despite really wanting to say no.

What happens in our brains when people ask us to do something we’d like to say no to. Often we go through a little cycle of thoughts so fast we don’t even realize it happens and it might sound a little bit like “I wish I could say no, but….”

• I don’t want them to get mad at me.

• I don’t want people to think I’m not kind/helpful/generous.

• What will they think of me if I say no?

• I technically can do this, so I shouldn’t say no.

• I don’t want to seem unlikable.

• I don’t want to risk our friendship.

• I enjoy helping people so I might as well say yes.

• I want them to like me.

All of these are valid thoughts and make perfect sense to think about. But all of them can become that overwhelming people pleasing tendency if we ignore them for too long. So how can we find that balance between helping people and running ourselves ragged? The first step is to take a moment before you answer and notice what the request really feels like in your brain. Before you respond to that text with a “Sure no problem”, take a moment to really go through some self reflection about how it feels to say yes to this.

• Recognize that it is going to work out if you say no. If you put up a small boundary and say “I wish I could help, but I’m sorry to say that this time I’m not available” it might be met with some resistance or disappointment. That is ok! You are allowed to say no to people, and people are allowed to feel disappointed. But just as many feelings are, the feeling of disappointment is fleeting and will pass quickly. Saying no one time will not ruin a healthy relationship.

• Do you know how overwhelm feels for you? It sounds like a simple question, but it feels differently to different people. Some people get weepy, some want to hide and shut down a bit, and others get a little bit more angry and have a shorter fuse when they feel overwhelmed. What does overwhelm feel like to you and can you recognize when you’re getting to that level?

• What do you need? This can be two directional, both what do you need help with that you could outsource and also what do you need in this moment in order to say yes if someone asks for help. Maybe you can say yes, but that means you are ordering pizza for the 3rd night this week and right now you’re feeling like you need more than pizza for dinner. So you might want to honor that feeling and say no so that you can have a meal that actually nourishes you rather than a quick grab and go dinner. Or maybe you can say yes, but that means you need someone else to pick up your kids from school. In that case, maybe you can make a trade, I’ll drive your kid to sports if you pick them up afterwards. Recognize your own needs in the scenario before committing.

• Feeling guilty? Why? Are you having a hard time with one of the statements above and feeling like people may be disappointing in you? In that case, where is that coming from? Why is the responsibility on you to handle everything that is asked of you? Sometimes we have to feel that discomfort and the tension of saying “no” and accept it for what it is. It’s uncomfortable, there’s a friction there in our feelings, and we don’t like it. But if you keep saying yes just to avoid that feeling, you will keep wearing yourself down. Learn to sit in that tension in small ways so that you can build up your tolerance and maintain your boundaries.

• Be honest about your feelings, at least to yourself. You certainly don’t need to tell someone who asks something of you “No, I’m not going to help you because I don’t care about you” but you might think to yourself “I’d rather not help this person right now because I’ve got my own busy schedule and their needs are not my priority”. It’s ok to be honest with yourself around your own feelings.

• Practice. Practice. And more practice. Start small, say no to your kid when they ask for candy after they’ve already had a treat. You know they’re going to ask 10 more times and you also know you don’t want them to have more candy so it’s a little easier to sit in the tension of “no” in order to maintain the personal boundary. And then gradually move up to saying no to staying late again at work, or taking on a project you don’t have time for, or even rescheduling your own day off around someone else. Baby steps will help you build up tolerance to the guilt and anxiety that creates the tension and friction when you say no.

Are there spaces in your life where you can recognize that you are bending your boundaries to please others, and you know it is at the expense of your own emotional health? Regardless of whether you have an interest in making adjustments in these areas, can you spend some time identifying them and making a mental note of them.

Need help with this? Schedule a consultation with me and lets get you back on track.

Mindfully,

Meredith